3:15 AM
Nevin
It all happened when, one fine morning [ anything after 12 a.m is morning right? ] I decided to write an article. Nothing bizarre about that. And I wrote. The dumb, emotional stuff I usually write. What I like to call ' personal '. The next day morning I sent the article to a couple of friends. They all gave me the 'thumbs up', so I published . Strangely though, I actually bothered reading the article again and that was when this strange new phobia of mine started. Grammar.
Right now, I'm sitting here in front of my monitor reading the last paragraph and thinking " oh wait. Should it be " what I've always liked to call " or " what I liked to call " or anything else?" [ was I even allowed to put double quotes inside double quotes? Too much of 'Inception' I guess :-/. Wait a minute. 'was' I or 'am' I ? ]
That is what confidence can do to you. Mine has been shattered . Regular readers of the blog were mailing me about the 'weird grammar' and I somehow couldn't reply. Because I didn't know what was happening. I still don't [ Btw, I know that you aren't allowed to start a sentence with 'because'. That was just me at my dramatic best (or worst). ] There is this incredible urge inside me to hit the back space , forget about the article and go to Facebook instead.
Initially I tried seeking relief by telling myself ' it was just an off day.' But people started talking about it more and more. Some even went on to label the article as somebody else'. [ I have no clue as to what their intentions might have been but it certainly was reassuring from my side. They at least believed I could do better ]
Sadly though, I've always performed better when theres lesser expectations surrounding me. Which is why I took to writing in the first place. I realized I was poor in math a long time back. But when you are the son of a mathematics post-grad and a father who has always wanted his son to be the best engineer the world has ever produced, people somehow expect mathematics to be in your genes. In fact even I did at times. Some three and a half years back, I tried telling my people that I wanted to become a writer. Initially it was 'dining table laugh it off ' material, but when I actually bothered to apply for a course in a reputed arts college things got a little serious. Finally they made me this offer " Study engineering for four years. And do whatever you want after that ." I could've easily forced the move my heart desired unlike what the majority of my friends think. However, a portion of the brain kept insisting that I take up engineering. Simply because it was the easier option. And I can always write. Mom gets complimentary diaries all the time. Do I regret the decision? How am I to say that? But I've always relished having lesser burden around. And nobody thought I could write.
Which is why I am over whelmed by this sudden heap of 'grammar' mails thrown at me. Since when did people start 'expecting' things from me? I write in my silly blog and keep to myself don't I?[ At least most of the times :P ] Whatever grammar I have, came naturally to me. Maybe from that "genius" creature thing Liz Gilbert talked about. I don't give a damn about past,present,perfect,future combinations. Neither do I know anything about it. Outrageous as it may seem, I use the Wren & Martin as my mouse pad these days.
Now that I've started putting an effort into getting my grammar correct, writing is a struggle. I am forced to press the back space more than what I like doing [ Just for the sake of it, I sometimes use the delete button these days :-/ ] Another problem you face as a writer is the fact that you already know what you are going to write. Once I updated my facebook status as " the thin love between love and hate." I swear I looked at it atleast 20 times and found nothing wrong. Until a friend pointed out that it ought to be " the thin line between.." Your mind somehow reads 'what you intended' and not exactly what you wrote.
I don't know what is happening to me but I am no longer the 'free bird' Lynyrd Skynyrd sang about [ I do believe I am all that at times :D ]. I am hoping Mr. Grammar comes back to me as soon as possible. Right now , its all sweat and toil.
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5 comments:
well i second that, the past present and future thingies have always haunted me and they continue to do so.
And as far as the offer you received - study engg and later" - I think that's the case with most students.We seem to be in the same boat
lol. but yeah, its sad isn't it. Everyone seems to believe that only a professional degree has nay value. Ppl tend to think , an engg from some xyz college is better than science grad at Xaviers. weird!
haha :) i was starting to think thats some kind of disease :P
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