Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Female paradox

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created themGenesis 1:27 [ No wonder people struggle to understand God. How can they if the 'female' kind is an image of Himself ]

Just as there are finger prints, there are women in this world. Unique and incredibly complex.  A casual trip to Veegaland [ a.k.a Wonder La ] is what has inspired me to write this note. An year ago I was in love.  Yes ,Yes. submerged in the sea of love. And I still remember pushing my 2 month old punto to the very same amusement park and the subsequent romantic evening, as if it happened yesterday.  For an average Indian desperate male, even the role of a driver can be a very stimulating experience.
Here I am now, sitting 'single' in the balcony of my house, struggling through Dr.John Gray's "  Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. "  [ Trust me.  One must be VERY disturbed to read that sort of crap ]
Men may prove that E= Mc^2 is wrong. Might travel backwards to see the big bang. Create a restaurant at the end of the universe.  But when it comes to women, men will always remain clueless. 
Do NOT 'assume' a girl to be like your guy friend. It never works. A sentence, a phrase, a word, for that matter even the colour of your T-shirt can be interpreted in infinitely different ways by her. 
For example : SMS Scenario # 1

Girl : Hey whaddup? [ Apparently there is no such thing as grammar and spelling when girls text. Don't try replying in the same manner though. ]
Guy : *writing an assignment * What else is UP on a hot sunday afternoon :-/
No reply
No reply
Guy : Err alive ?
No reply
Guy: Hei!

Guy goes to the 'sent items' . Retrospection beings.
Guy: *to himself*  Damn. Shouldn't have used the bloody emoticon.  Oh shoot. was 'UP' in caps. She must've assumed I was terribly corny. The sentence does look terrible and not cute. Lord!

Next day morning 

Girl: Never EVER talk to me like that. 
Guy: Hei I'm sorry, I did not mean to be corny.
Girl: What corny you moron! When someone asks you something ALWAYS reply positively like " Hei I am doing good," and then ask " how are you? " , understand? I was feeling terribly low yesterday. And you? Always cruel !!!

Unpredictability runs in their blood. Tell a girl ' I love you 'and you are being mushy and boring; don't and a message will come someday, saying " if only you had said how much you loved me BACK THEN." With women, even expecting the unexpected won't work.
Pamper them- you are being possessive; give them the space and freedom- you don't have enough time for them. Be stubborn and frank - you are the chauvinist;  adjust - you have no backbone.

Which reminds me of a story my granny once told me. After death one goes to this purgatory [ or hades or Limbo or whatever it is called ]. Below is Hell, Heaven above.  There would be a rope connecting you to heaven. Thickness of rope directly proportional to your good deeds. Initial thickness is equal to the width of your hair[ so shampoo your hair regularly].  If the rope breaks while you are climbing , you fall down into hell [ and hence working out wouldn't be a bad idea].
Lets assume that heaven in the story means a happy,satisfied girl. Chances of you 'reaching' there are as slim as that rope. So only make an attempt when you are sure that your hair is strong and that 'heaven' is worth the trouble. Hell as we all know is quite simply hell.
There are examples wherever you look. Take Sorjini Naidu's " Queen's rival ", the story of the unsatisfied queen Gulnaar.  Her husband does everything possible but she still says "O King, my heart is unsatisfied." Until one fine morning her kid snatches the mirror from her. Talk about making the King, a complete ass! Women are complicated.
Think Cleopatra of Egypt, Helen of Troy[Sparta]. All mean self-centered women who made men go crazy. But somehow my mind keeps jumping to that utterly insignificant scene in Nicolas Cage's ' It could happen to you' when Muriel's Indian architect says " Women! You can't live with them. OR without them! " And that will always be the case. Perplexing She might well be, but Men will always be fascinated.

A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.  ~Arnold Haultain

PS: This is a very personal blog .Attempts at "being funny", as i like to call them.  Do NOT take the contents seriously. In fact I do think guys are worse. [ which should be quite evident from the post :P ]

Sunday, October 16, 2011

The grammar rule

It all happened when, one fine morning [ anything after 12 a.m is morning right? ] I decided to write an article. Nothing bizarre about that. And I wrote. The dumb, emotional stuff I usually write. What I like to call ' personal '.  The next day morning I sent the article to a couple of friends. They all gave me the 'thumbs up', so I published . Strangely though, I actually bothered reading the article again and that was when this strange new phobia of mine started. Grammar.
Right now, I'm sitting here in front of my monitor reading the last paragraph and thinking " oh wait.  Should it be " what I've always liked to call " or " what I liked to call " or anything else?" [ was I even allowed to put double quotes inside double quotes? Too much of 'Inception' I guess :-/. Wait a minute. 'was' I or 'am' I ? ]
That is what confidence can do to you. Mine has been shattered . Regular readers of the blog were mailing me about the 'weird grammar' and I somehow couldn't reply. Because I didn't know what was happening. I still don't [ Btw, I know that you aren't allowed to start a sentence with 'because'. That was just me at my dramatic best (or worst). ]  There is this incredible urge inside me to hit the back space , forget about the article and go to Facebook instead.
Initially I tried seeking relief by telling myself ' it was just an off day.' But people started talking about it more and more. Some even went on to label the article as somebody else'. [ I have no clue as to what their intentions might have been  but it certainly was reassuring from my side. They at least believed I could do better ]
Sadly though, I've always performed better when theres lesser expectations surrounding me. Which is why I took to writing in the first place. I realized I was poor in math a long time back. But when you are the son of a mathematics post-grad and a father who has always wanted his son to be the best engineer the world has ever produced, people somehow expect mathematics to be in your genes. In fact even I did at times. Some three and a half years back, I tried telling my people that I wanted to become a writer.  Initially it was 'dining table  laugh it off ' material, but when I actually bothered to apply for a course in a reputed arts college things got a little serious. Finally they made me this offer " Study engineering for four years. And do whatever you want after that ." I could've easily forced the move my heart desired unlike what the majority of my friends think.  However, a portion of the brain kept insisting that I take up engineering. Simply because it was the easier option. And I can always write. Mom gets complimentary diaries all the time. Do I regret the decision? How am I to say that? But I've always relished having lesser burden around. And nobody thought I could write.
Which is why I am over whelmed by this sudden heap of 'grammar' mails thrown at me. Since when did people start 'expecting' things from me? I write in my silly blog and keep to myself don't I?[ At least most of the times :P ] Whatever grammar I have, came naturally to me. Maybe from that "genius" creature thing Liz Gilbert talked about. I don't give a damn about past,present,perfect,future combinations. Neither do I know anything about it. Outrageous as it may seem, I use the Wren & Martin as my mouse pad these days.
Now that I've started putting an effort into getting my grammar correct, writing is a struggle. I am forced to press the back space more than what I like doing [ Just for the sake of it, I sometimes use the delete button these days :-/ ] Another problem you face as a writer is the fact that you already know what you are going to write. Once I updated my facebook status as  " the thin love between love and hate." I swear I looked at it atleast 20 times and found nothing wrong. Until a friend pointed out that it ought to be " the thin line between.." Your mind somehow reads 'what you intended' and not exactly what you wrote.

I don't know what is happening to me but I am no longer the 'free bird' Lynyrd Skynyrd sang about [ I do believe I am all that at times :D ]. I am hoping Mr. Grammar comes back to me as soon as possible. Right now , its all sweat and toil.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

News OF The World? Or FOR the World?

Lets get it straight. We all love reading really good juicy stories. Be it Sarkozy , Berlusconi or Shane Warne. Even princess Diana.  So why was it that when a certain Hugh Grant came out with his 'bugging the bugger' one felt incredibly moved? That when he expressed his concerns all nodded in agreement?
I suppose the immediate answer would be " he is Hugh Grant after all. Mr Notting Hill! He can't be wrong." But when Roy Greenslade's column hit 'The Guardian' questioning the professionalism of Britian's loved one, concluding that " nothing sells like celebrity " we were yet again moved. Especially since it came from 'The Guardian' which played a huge role in bringing the story of Rupert Murdoch and 'NOW' into limelight.
How do we draw a line between constructive journalist investigation and privacy intrusion? Can media abide by the law and bring out these news?

As Indians we have always kept the lives of our celebrities as discreet as possible. From former prime ministers to cricket team captains things haven't been exactly 'saintly'. But when the 'Open' magazine exposed  transcripts of conversations between two iconic journalists and Niira Radia, an age old belief was shattered. Indian media is not as clean as it seems. As if to underline this very fact , Rajdeep Sardesai was spotted admitting " Murdochs were more than inspirational to many of us in India" just after the 'Hacking Story' hit the world by storm.
So how good and reliable is our media?
Deep water horizon (BP) oil spill. Common wealth scam. 2G. Cash for Vote. What all these show is how influential media is in our day to day lives. When Tony Hayward , then CEO of BP, dismissed the spill as "tiny compared to the size of the ocean" it was the media which pressurized and ultimately forced even the likes of President Obama to proclaim "He wouldn't be working for me after any of those statements." The Media is more often right unless its focus is on page 3 material where mistakes are seen as a necessity. And to get to the news they might require ‘journalistic process’ as Barkha Dutt would call it. As much as I would have liked to question the methodology and ethics involved I somehow saw the point she was trying to convey. Getting dirty news just ain't easy. Sometimes we had to play dirty too.
That was until the Murdochs came into the picture. Creating news was quite different from covering it. The world was suddenly apprehensive. How safe are we? ' Thank Heavens I'm not a celebrity,' I thought as I lay in my bed one night wooing the Sleep.
The next day morning the first thing I read was a completely misconstrued version of an event that had happened at my college hostel. A bunch of my batchmates, who ironically was at the police station helping a friend who had had a motor accident at the time, were accused of having tried to kill the hostel warden along with other serious charges. The story went on to describe the warden as an honourable man when the truth was at the opposite pole. I've waited  for more than a month now expecting Manorama to come with an apology but nothing remotely close has come up.
Infact that was followed by articles claiming CUSAT to be unsafe. Then they came up with an outrageous column claiming MG university syllabus to be better than Cochin University, especially for placements. And then a farcical and incredibly biased piece on how everyone at a certain self-financing college were getting placed in companies. Troubled by what was going around I did make some inquires only to be told " Manorama has been doing this to us since the college's inception."
When communist leader and Member of Parliament Mr. P.Rajeev claimed, at a CITU conference, Manorama to be "writing for Oommen Chandy" , I was surprised by how almost everyone shared the same views as I did. Even more surprisingly though, nobody actually cared. I do not want to politicize the whole issue. What Manorama does Deshabimani and Kairali TV does better. What bothers me is how media has managed to loose all its credibility. Chances are that if I were to send a text to a news channel claiming to have seen Osama it will get published as headlines before actual research is done on the matter.
Is news these days simply a subset of sensationalism? The truth is news has always been so. If it didn't matter to us it wouldn't exactly be news. But the difference between a 30 minutes news twenty years ago in the DD channel to the non stop 24x7 news is what has led to the degrading standards. The difference being NOTHING. The media has to somehow ensure that the audience is engaged and this has led to more and more sensationalism  ultimately leading to 'News Of The World' being produced rather than being reported.
Media holds a great deal of power and therefore it should neither be a tool for a powerful organization to pull its string NOR should it be the independent dictator that plays with lives in search of extravagance.
Be it what may, as long as its people like Arnab Goswami, whose sole purpose on Earth is to interrupt people before they make their point, running the show, the future does not look good.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The World @ BIT rate

The article contains some explicit language. Do not read if you have heart problems!

I'm back at what I do best! Curse the world and the people in it. The latest of which is something that has been bothering me for quite a while now. "Since when did men start bitching about other people's lives?" The first thing I did was ask a girl. Always ask the experts they say. Apparently men have been bitching about other men since eternity. Its just that they've always been doing it with the opposite sex unlike the girl lot which reminded me of something that I read in Manu Joseph's "Serious Men". "A man can never be friends with another man." I found that a little difficult to digest back then but right now I am beginning to wonder if there is some truth in that. The fact of the matter is Men will do practically anything to sleep with the 'girlS' he desires. And we being men its always plural . But that is life. The Nature's way as you may call it.
Lets admit it, we've all been foolish. Like listen to Enrique or go in search of blue bangles in the streets of Manali. Even 'like'd different pages in Facebook just because the profile we stalk had 'like'd it. But what we don't do or rather what I thought we don't do is go tell Ms 'Sleep-worthy' everything that was discussed during last nights hangout on the terrace. When I say " Dude check her out, she is 34" , I don't expect you to go to Ms.17x2 and tell her about my awesome observational skills. Especially after the " 34? she is 32 man!" reply that you gave. That my friend is not what we guys do. What we do is talk non-sense, hang out, get drunk and then keep quiet on the 'throwing-up' part. I know how the leg shivers while in a private conversation with the woman your heart desires. And its just normal that you blurt out something you didn't want to. But to give a completely distorted version just to make someone look like an arse, that isn't really cool.
That was when I heard about the manager in a certain CAT coaching center, strangely named after one among the 7 dwarves of Snow White and how he broke a very good relationship. Whats even more strange is how women tends to believe these men. But then that is different. They are the female kind afterall.
Yes you might win the girl over. But in the long run the girl's going to realize how utterly boring you are. Plus there lies the fact that another person just like you might exist. And when you fall, it going to be deep and slow my friend. Remember the movie 300?
Do you know why a pretty girl keeps repeating " Oh how I wish I had a gay best friend " every now and then? No, its not their lust for threesome. ( or atleast in most cases ). Its because they like men who would bring them closer to the 'guy's world'. A world they can never be a part of. The Dumbass, fun crazy, fuck-the world freedom. You my bitching boy is an Elton John. The one they all love and believe. But will never bother sleeping with. Try mentioning what your heart wants and be sure to get the " Oh XYZ! Not YOU of all people. You are my best bud. blah blah blah..." which is why you are a gay-equivalent. And after that you will be the biggest sinner according to the lady. So WHY bother bitching in the first place?
We are the male-kind. The luckiest lot in the universe. Its perfectly fine if you find a girl attractive and that you don't want to keep anything from her. But make sure you tell her the TRUTH. Do not be scared in losing out. When you bitch about another guy, you are just expressing your apprehension about the lad. And the girl knows this. So tell her everything necessary, hide the guy world details and keep her excited. If a girl is listening to you even after all the bitching it only shows she is interested.So do it the right way!
Btw I do believe number of simultaneous GFs >2 is real uncool.

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